Sunday, May 20, 2007
'I got med.' I didn't know that seeing these 3 words would affect me so much that my heartbeat'd accelerate and I'd experience the rush of emotions that I did. For a moment I wished that that was me. But is that really what I want? How about my love for writing, for art, my interest in the human mind, the media and perhaps even Econs?
This week has been a crazy week. Feels like I've just been on a wild ride with the ups downs and the tumbles. A constant in my life is gone and this has left me lost, searching- for the answer, the reason, the solution, the fairness of it all. Has it been inevitable? Has it been long time coming? Am I unworthy?
The pain has not been acute, but it was blinding. Still I am holding out for hope against hope but what chances does it stand? For a long time, I have been noting in my subconscience, all the obvious and subtle changes and I'm sad to realise and I feel choked when I answered a question that Van asked, because my answer wasn't what it should be!! This is a commitment that we made and I had every reason to believe that forever was possible. I could see us in the future. I could see how like then we'd still be. I'd still love that pressure on my forehead, the chin tickle and shaking fats. Maybe that did make you angry but ...
Ceteris paribus, friendship never ends. Relationships end, but not friendships. Especially not one that I treasured everytime I looked at you, with every one of your smiles for me. Does the ceteris assumption not hold for us? Is that insufficient? Have I truly been wrong? Why didn't our long talk resolve things? When did I stop being one of the apples of your eye? Will it ever be the same again?